A tale of Steph’s rapid response team in action.
It was November 2008 the armistice weekend, Steph called together all the paddler’s she deemed worthy of rescuing her and brought them together in Tayside to do some end of the year paddling on new rivers.
Day 1 – The River Lyon.
It was a chilly November morning when we gathered for a new adventure on the Lyon, a river none of us had previously been on. Much bravado, drinking and cake eating had been partaken of the night before which had resulted in a decision about midnight that is was moderately wet and so the river would be going. After the lightweights went to bed more hilarity ensued and the drinking continued onto 3am.
Many thanks to Lynn for the homebaked cake which rival even Fiona’s normal standard.
Once on the river we were quickly into the first rapid, much too quickly some may have said. Having decided to ignore the guide book and name the rapids after great leaders of the world we named it “Gengis Khan”, a quick scout and flush down of the safety kayaker, the man of steel ( he does get about ) it was time to wake up and run down the first river left chute with a good cushion wave to run off. Despite some excellent signalling intended to show the group to brace of the cushion wave the group for some strange reason thought Steve was dong impressions of his cocker spaniel Fred peeing against a rock.. Amazingly almost everyone got down upright with just one unlucky swim from Fee, no doubt still thrown by the standard of Lynns cake the night before. Fee’s swimming someone shouted down, Daftie ! Steve shout back, its always been free to swim here and were not about to start paying for kayaking either. Scottish Access laws – nice !
Fee was brought into the bank and Steve dived into the water after her boat with a shout of “cakes – save the cakes” – panic ensued until the boat was secured, Fees boat always being full of lunch for those needy kayakers too lazy to bring their own.
Sometime later heading own through a series of pushy grade 3 rapids named “Churchill”, Nelson Mandela”, “Dubya”, “Vlad the impaler”, “Iron lady”, we came to the next drop, “brokeback mountain” John and Pete ran down it first after the man of steel” insisted it was their turn to lead as aspirant 5 star paddlers. ( always send someone else down first ). For some reason they didn’t seem out of breath at all when we all met up again despite them being aspirant.
They led on and scouted the next rapid “Blackadder” but called the group into an eddy before running it – calamity Steph shouted “this is a bit premature isn’t it” and both guys shouted back in unison “NO – 30 seconds too early is fine, that’s what the coaches at the Lodge told us”. The group then headed down one at a time with no major problems apart from a coupe of rolls and Kirsten “skippy” Petrie deciding to change her kayak for a submersible, still it was a I4 so semi submersible anyway.
A quick chorus of HMS Pinafore and application of duck tape to the split later and it was on again. Leading to the question – Is a boat doctor a Quack
On we went – the mountain boys leading until we came to a big mid river rock with channels and drops round both sides, the man of steel being forced into the lead again, pushed out of the eddy, into the current, out of sight and down the rapid. Once at the bottom a quick bit of non-dog related signalling later it was time for the group to run the pinball and avoid the stoppers on the way down “Ramesis IV”. Fee (why does she keep asking for money – we stopped that kind of thing years ago with the access law) asked what was the line – and Mags “Tigger” Duncan said it was the black tongue. Fee asked what was the black tongue and Tigger kindly explained it is a surprisingly common bovine fungal infection affecting approximately 67% of herds ……….. – Fee paddled off as fast as she could go. Everyone got down picking up a few aches and strains with last minute supports and rolls with only Steph having an unlucky swim hitting one of the stoppers, testing her rescue crew no doubt to see who needed sacked and who could go on the next adventure.
Once all sorted out it was hi ho Silver and off again with dehydration setting in despite it being November and hangovers getting worse. Soon the final harder set of rapids were coming “Abraham Lincon” and “Billie the Kid” followed by “Fredie Kruger” the final rapid we could run but really, really didn’t want to.
Round the corner and we saw a fairly simple C rapid apart from the outside of the C ran into a huge-normous rock, the man of Steel ran it first to test a line, a quick flash of his favourite Blue Steel look and down he went shoulder charging the rock with his best “slam” technique. Surprisingly to the group the rock which was much bigger than he refused to smash into atoms as expected and shrugged off his attack, the rest of the group than quickly re-assed and chose another line.
One down successfully but then the second Jo swam and got held onto the rock for a bit eventually getting off and being rescued – alls well you would think but not at the top. Tigger was soon to losing the plot, she never did like midges as Fee and Steph did their very best mosquito impressions with high pitched versions of “doom doom”, “she’s is gong to die”, “theirs no way I am going down there”, “that rocks huge”, “you’ve go to go and help her now – right now !”. Meanwhile another two paddlers immediately got out to walk back to the cars rather than paddle the last set of rapids. Jo then started to walk down the bank as another couple of boaters chased after the boat. The remainder looked at the line again, Kirsten asked – any tips and John replied “always buy the cheapest possible drink, then drink it slowly, preferably through a straw for best results”. Kirsten then punched him just to prove men are not all that macho.
The rest then paddled with only two making it, Kirsten too being held on the wall for moment but managing to get herself off, and Mag’s cleaning the line down still with the mozzie like hum of “Mags, MAgs, MAGs, MAGS, MAGS, MAGSS ….. “ ringing in her ear – the sound of Fee and Steph in concerto. It was then down to the last eddy before “Freddie” came out to play and the search for Jo’s boat to commence as it had fed through the rapids.
An exhuasted group then hauled their kayaks back up to the cars, Steph collapsing upon hers by the road and refusing to get back up before her car was brought back and subsequently found snoring. Luckily the rest of the paddlers weren’t quite as thick as she had assumed and remembered that five minutes ago her arms were there and working fine.
Take note – for future trips, Jo does have arms and is perfectly capable of carrying her own boat ! Be warned.
The evil-ning entertainment.
Later back at the hostel preparations were being made for the grand “Bake off”, an event that had been long planned, everyone seeing if they could out do Fiona’s standard fare, the baking commenced and the beer and wine bottles were opened. Unfortunately it seems they were opened a little too early and we had a grand burnt off instead. Still with enough inebriation it did not matter and we had brought King Rons ceremonial crown, sash and ceptre. We proceeded with the coronation and he was awarded some bud –the king of beers. Being King of the black isle of course is a serious affair but at least this far from home he was allowed to let his hair down and have a good time.
Various stories and games were partaken off with the ladies perfume competition winner being “Schell59”, the stern perfume from stalag luft 15, for the female kayaker who doesn’t want to have to take any *hit! The male scent awards being given to Steve for his “eua de kayaker” – apparently much more popular and common than David Beckhams new scent. Most of the blokes thought it more manly too.
At one stage Steph took the mickey out of John and was threatened with being abandoned on the way home, she asked everyone that if you see her at layby61 trying to attract attention, then please pick her up – so if you do see her please feel free to, we didn’t but then it was dark and we didnt slow down. Think of it I haven’t seen Steph lately, surely John would have noticed by now ?
The only other notable tale was Rons advice to everyone for the following day – “when swimming down a rapid make sure you drink lots of water, as much as you can really to reduce the effects of dehydration and hangover pain. If you don’t it is your own fault if you are unwell and no-one will feel sorry for you”. Sage advice but perhaps a bad omen for the morrow ??????????????
DAY 2 – The Perthshire Garry
Up and at em again, even Ron was up before midday and had home made strudel that even rivalled Andreas’s. And if you have tasted Andreas’s, say no more. Ron was subsequently crowned the Bake off winner. Two coronations in one weekend, what a guy. Woken, stuffed and caffeined it was off to the river.
Having arrived at the access bridge it was a quick inspection with a complete lack of anyone taking responsibility for leading he group or making a group decision of what to do.Typical ICC style really. Even the newly arrived Karen and Morva, international paddlers of old didn’t bat an eye, everyone looking at the big stopper on the bend and repeating the mantra “you’ll be fine” over and over again. Having assessed this grade 3+ section which was running quite high, big and bouncy but ok. (beer goggles were obviously still talking – big and bouncy is good for the lassies but maybe not for warm up rapids ).
Rather than run a couple down it first and re-assess it was decided to move further up river a few hundred yards for a warm up and the run straight down the rapid as a group. Enough experience being their to make sure most got down upright and rescues would be few and swift. A quick beg borrow and steal of a boat for Kirsten, rather than paddle the nautilas and it was into the boats and breaking out of the eddy and into the current.
Steve and John ran down the bouncy section first, Steve capsizing on a trip line, rolling up and arriving in an eddy just before the big stopper. John hitting the same trip line but unfortunately swimming onto the same eddy. All was ok as Fee and Jo were coming down upright having chosen another line, having taken advice from Mags.
Oh no though - in they came to the eddy, Fee first and Jo on top of Fee, aaarrghh! A quick oops sorry and Fee was swimming in the eddy too, not good. Jo then paddled down the chicken chute next to the stopper but was unlucky and swam, Pete came next, still upright, maybe we would still be ok but then it came to a one up one down scenario and even less getting thru the stopper. Steve chased down to pick up the carnage round the corner.
Round the corner it was carnage, the rescuers worst nightmare, just finish rescue-ing a body out of the water and what happens, a new swimmer boat and all pops round the corner, rescue them and another appears. It was just like a new computer game, trying for the high score. The bodies were hauled in by the lucky few still upright Pete, Steve and Kirsten. Lynn came in shouting rescue me, rescue me, Ron came in silent and everyone else in between. Kirsten and Mags took care of the bank side first aid and equipment extraction. Two boats broached mid river.A quick head count proved everyone was accounted for, Steve took off to chase the five boats floating down river, but at least all the paddles had been collected apart from Morvas which had snapped when trying to Roll. Most of the group meanwhile were running up and down the bank shouting “DON’T PANIC MR MANNERING !!”.
On second inspection Ron wasnae doing so well, he was short of breath, cold, disorientated and grumpy. Was it because he is over 40 ? No – it was because of the cold water immersion going down under the stopper and re-circulating. A quick assessment showed he wasn’t getting any better and the ambulance was called. Kirstens quick but overloud assessment was “ he looks dead, he feels dead but he is still talking”, Mags said to King Ron, we are going to call you an ambulance. Ron said “stop calling me names I’m not feeling so well”. Mags tried another route “Ron you have to get up on the road to meet the ambulance can you walk or will I get the helicopter”. Mags knew Ron was a climber of old and as most climbers would agree its better to drag yourself to the extraction point than let the mountain rescue know you got it wrong. As expected up Ron got and said “I’ll *loody well walk out for here” in his best braveheart voice. Up he got onto his knees and with the help of the girls made it up to the road where the paramedic met him. The medic immediately panicked and called for backup, his assessment having put the monitor probes onto Rons fingers (which never work anyway) was “he looks dead, he feels dead, the machine says he’s dead but he is talking”. Oxygen and the hot air bag for sudden warming put to use and very soon they had re-animated King Ron. Off to the hospital anyway they said and once all the gear was accounted for off he went.
Fiona and Jo later picked him up grinning from ear to ear having got the phone numbers off all the nurses in the hospital.
A shocked, worn out but relieved group headed home having abandoned the rest of the paddle due to shellshock and the lack of daylight left.
The morale of the story – if King Ron gives you sage advice, don’t do as he says, and definitely don’t do as he does. In his defence he did go into the green room trying to boof the stopper in order to chase a boat.
Here ends the tale of Stephs girly paddle.
Next instalment the 2009 girly Alps trip ????????????????????
Footnote – As a result of this Ron has been offered two starring roles in Incredible Productions next Tayside feature, the royalties and the producer have yet to be settled though, it shall be either of two names
“Paddler King” if we can get the guy who made the “Scorpian King”.
“Ron – King of the dead” if we can get the guy who made the “Shaun on the dead”.
